Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: cochran@netcom.com (Mark A. Cochran)
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 97 19:30:02 EST

I am a neonatologist, so I often get find it necessary to make late night visits to the hospital. While exiting through the ED last night, I was stopped by one of the nurses and given a copy of this. I don’t know where it originated, and although it’s apparently only floating around the ED, none of the staff there is willing to confess.

MEMO
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their familes know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the “from” line above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.

Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life “How to…” series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on “Basic Wiring”, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accomidated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.

In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO’s forumlary.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: glbanks@fly.hiwaay.net (Gordon Banks)
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 95 4:30:09 EST

Sorry, but I just don’t remember where I first heard this one…

At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept won, 8-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice.

The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year’s softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season.

We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept’s team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: jjtoth@vcu.edu (Jim Toth)
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 19:30:00 PST

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the “one nation, under God” clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night’s Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

“I’m not sure where the Supreme Court gets off,” God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, “but I’m sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit.”

“I’ve watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida ‘will never be known.’ Well, I’m God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let’s cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes.”

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God’s unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God’s Word for possible grounds for appeal.

“God’s ruling is a classic over-reach,” argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. “Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida.”

“Jim Baker’s a jackass,” God responded. “He’s got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. hot ones, if you know what I mean.”

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to “a friggin’ idiot.”

“Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don’t believe me? I’ll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron…”

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush’s prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush’s goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

[Note - making the rounds anonymously, author unknown - ed.]

By Andrew G. Smallacombe (Guru).

Although Australia is the largest island on earth and contributes a continental land mass in its entity, it remained undiscovered for a considerable length of time. This paper deals with those who did not discover Australia, why, and the implications of their non-discoveries.

The Australian Aborigines were the first people to not discover Australia. There are a number of theories put forward by a number of leading experts as to why this is so. It is generally accepted that the Aborigines failed to discover Australia because they had:

• no guns
• no Bibles
• no diseases such as the plague, small pox, etc.
• no flags
• no title deeds
• no monarch

Furthermore, current theory is that they may have crossed over from Southeast Asia by a number of land bridges caused by the Ice Age, which would have been cheating, since all discovery had to be done by boat. In addition, the Aborigines are not of European descent, and it is universally accepted that discovery can only be an act of white races.¹ At any rate, this all took place long before the Age of Discovery and therefore can and should be discounted. Therefore Australia remains undiscovered.

The next group of people not to discover Australia were the Dutch, which is somewhat surprising considering the number of times they ran into it on their way to subjugating Java and laying the foundations of apartheid in South Africa. In hindsight, however, this may be rather fortunate² since otherwise we would all be Reformed and speaking Dutch. This is why Australia is known as “the Lucky Country”.

The third people not to discover Australia were the Spanish (or Spaniards, as they are sometimes called). The Spanish (or Spaniards) sailed throughout the Pacific Ocean³, naming almost everywhere they discovered after their saints and conquering South America and the Philippines. Incredibly, by the time they discovered Vanu Atu⁴ they had run out of saints. Naming the largest island Espiritus Santo, they returned home to obtain the latest list. Again, this proved fortunate since Australia would have been the next destination, and we might all be Roman Catholic, had the Inquisition, and speak Spanish (or Portuguese, as the Brazilians call it.)

The French (ba^tards!) also did not discover Australia. They sailed around the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans, carving up an empire in and enslaving the people of Africa, the Middle East, India and Indochina into colonies, thus promoting liberty and equality. This was done to prove French superiority to the nations of the world, despite the fact they couldn’t even win a war against England. That they failed to discover Australia meant that we have been (largely) free of quiche, atom bombs and /Chiraq/.⁵

The English were the last people to not discover Australia, in spite of the huge number of fleets sent out to discover it. That so many commissioned explorers somehow managed to miss a land mass of such magnitude may help explain England’s demise in the arena of international cricket. England then colonized Australia, sending out fleets of settlers. Traditionally, it was thought that most of the early settlers were undesirable elements of English society, but recent research suggests otherwise.⁶

Finally, Australia was not discovered by Indonesian fishermen, seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty, or Japanese tourists. These people are known to history as Et Cetera.

Footnotes:

1. Other examples include China (discovered by Marco Polo, not the Chinese) and the Americas (discovered by Colombus, not the Indians)
2. Those who doubt the validity of this statement usually change their opinions when their attention is directed to Anita Keating.
3. This was named by the Spanish (or Spaniard) explorer Magellan, who originally intended to name it The Ocean. He was allegedly requested by his first officer to name it more specifically, upon which he renamed it The Specific Ocean.
4. Vanu Atu was not discovered by the Melanesians. See above for reasons.
5. Chirac (pron. Shi-rack) Fr.= military disaster.
6. This would explain the presence of whinging poms, soccer hooligans, cockneys, and Take That in England, and their absence in Australia.

This document was typed in verbatim from the original by Bruce Alcorn, with permission from the author. Comments, etc can be sent to alcorn@cs.flinders.edu.au to be passed on to the author.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu (Dawn Myfanwy Cohen)
Subject: Cat owners will agree...
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 95 4:30:01 EST

I’ve known a number of people who told me that they were really eager to have babies. Having a spouse or good job would be ok, too, but what they were really after was the babies. I never understood the attraction for a long time, but then it hit me. They must want babies like I wanted a cat. (Until recently I lived in a dormitory, where people of the furry persuasion are the subject of intense discrimination.) Though I now understand the feelings of those who have the unfulfilled cravings of the existence of another living creature in the house, I feel it my duty to point out the flaws in their reasoning.

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won’t be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don’t even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don’t, you don’t even’t have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won’t grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven’t had a bath this month.

6. You probably don’t have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten’s college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don’t want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can’t accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren’t married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Re: Cat owners will agree...
From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung)
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 4:30:03 EST

Kittens, better than babies? Hah! Here now are the top eleven reasons why babies are better than kittens (and, as any five-year-old will tell you, more reasons makes my list better. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!)

11) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.

10) No one’s allergic to a baby.

9) Having a kitten in the car doesn’t let you drive in the carpool lane.

An exercise program you can really stick with… that you have to stick with, whether you like it or not…

7) With a kitten, you don’t get to watch otherwise normal adults making silly faces, jumping up and down, talking nonsense in a high pitched voice, and generally making fools of themselves. Hours of fun!

6) For an initial investment of a camera and few pieces of film, you can convince baby’s grandparents to buy the kid all the cute but expensive clothes, toys, furniture, and major appliances s/he will ever need — a good photographer can buy nothing but diapers for a year. Cats never buy their grandkittens anything.

5) Babies don’t have fleas. Babies don’t give you fleas.

4) Free pregnancy/labor horror story with each baby. Commensurate with other mothers! Scare newly-pregnant friends! Get your husband to do twice the housework for months!

3) Two words: Tax deduction

2) Childbirth — the greatest crash diet ever! Lose 20 pounds in one day — and keep it off, too!

And the number one reason babies are better than kittens:

1) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say “I love you, Daddy”.

[original to me]

-Ian Barkley-Yeung
Proud Parent of Stephen Skyler Barkley-Yeung — cutest baby in history!

Repost from isu.talk
Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:08:34
jmbug@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu James M Buggar at Illinois State University
Sung to Beatles “Let it Be”:

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

{ Guitar Solo }

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don’t even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I’m sick of ones and zeros,
Write in C.

A thousand people swore that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80s,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,

Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

From: spirkov@ptolemy.arc.nasa.gov (Lilly Spirkovska)

Made this one up during my morning commute:

A license plate for a VW Bug:

     FEATURE

From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham)

These are some of the error messages produced by Apple’s MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I’m not sure where I stand on the copyright issue.

Tony Cunningham

“String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that’s 3 more than ANSI said I should)”

“…And the lord said, ‘lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement’”

“a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program”

“‘Volatile’ and ‘Register’ are not miscible”

“You can’t modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler”

“This struct already has a perfectly good definition”

“type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don’t care, I’m just trying to annoy you)”

“Can’t cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that’s why)”

“Huh ?”

“can’t go mucking with a ‘void *’”

“we already did this function”

“This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn’t wide enough to read this whole error message”

“Call me paranoid but finding ‘/*’ inside this comment makes me suspicious”

“Too many errors on one line (make fewer)”

“Symbol table full – fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer”

/* Written 10:10 pm Dec 12, 1994 by tadpole@coke.imsa.EDU in pepsi:unix.tips */
[sing]

better !pout !cry
better watchout
telnet why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat/etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > no_gift_list
cat list | grep nice > gift_list
santa claus <north pole >town

who | grep sleeping
who | awake
who | egrep ‘bad|good’
for ( goodness sake) {
be good
/* End of text from pepsi:unix.tips */